I don’t think this is how antidepressants are supposed to work.

I feel moderately awake right now. This is in conflict with the data I’ve gathered over the rest of the week, which would suggest that I am never awake, but instead am some kind of hibernating bear that gets jumped on by a cat that’s crashing around its den.

I’m on a new medication after discovering that Prozac had gradually stopped working for me, and that I was running to keep up with the ground I was losing to my depression, and then blaming myself when I burned out instead of getting everything I wanted done. For the past week, I’ve been taking Zoloft instead. I’m trying to be patient with it and let it get up to speed with my chemistry before I expect it to start working, but it’s made me so fatigued I haven’t left the house since Monday, and it is now Friday night.

I’ve missed a week of classes because I was in bed, scrolling through Tumblr and re-reading Jenny Lawson’s Furiously Happy. (Recommended reading, by the way.) This is to add to the approximate month of classes I missed before switching meds, because the other one wasn’t working. The difference is that I don’t feel quite so guilty as I did then, but I don’t feel a ton of anything right now anyway. Gosh. This is a depressing post. For some reason.

I’ll make it less depressing by mentioning that my cat has found a few new toys within the past five minutes: first, the hem of my sweatpants (thank you Tesla), then one of those long boxes that cans of soft drinks come in. Tesla is adorable. My cat, I mean, not the scientist he’s named after. Although he was a real looker too, but he was more handsome than adorable.

Spring Break is this coming week and I’ve promised my younger brother I’d bring him up to my apartment. That means I need to leave the house and at least buy enough Hot Pockets to last us three days. Hopefully something better than Hot Pockets. I’m still kind of burned out on them from last time and honestly he probably is too. The problem with all of this is that, again, I’ve been almost too fatigued to move.

Except that today I finally let myself collapse and take a long nap in the middle of the day. I was supposed to schedule a doctor’s appointment over the phone, but the kind of social anxiety you only get when confronted with a robotic call direction machine kicked in and I didn’t. I’ve been putting off making this appointment for… mm, two weeks.

I think. My memory is kind of terrible. But I do like to mix it up. Yesterday, instead of forgetting to eat, I forgot that I HADN’T forgotten to eat, and it took me several hours to remember that I had actually eaten a decent meal and shouldn’t be feeling guilty for not taking care of myself.

Isn’t this fun? 😀

So! Because I napped in the middle of the day (and probably threw off my sleep schedule because, hey, why not), I’m now feeling totally energized (read: not dead) and ready to go shopping. Except it’s 9:47 PM. I mean, not like this hasn’t ever happened before. The answer is that you just go shopping. But since it’s Friday night, you have to fight the bar crowds because you live in a college town, and then there are the weirdos at HyVee who can’t decide what frozen burrito to try to get moderately sober on. I have the funniest stories about weirdos in HyVee or Walmart in the middle of the night, but the history of the stoners I’ve fed with granola bars out of my purse is a story for another post. (Also, two pounds of shredded cheddar cheese was involved at one point.)

Three people I know have birthdays this month and I need to ship a package, buy a thing online, and also buy a thing for my mom. I can’t do those things tonight because none of the places are open past ten. The Indian place down the street is open until eleven or something, but it’s already ten past ten and they’re probably full of the bar crowd.

I’m just really tired and I want either butter chicken or a burger. Or both. Oh wait! Applebee’s is open. That sounds pretty good actually. They’re a little too quiet and out of the way to be really obnoxious with drinkers, so it should be fine. (Unless I’m jinxing myself here.) I’ve either forgotten to feed myself today, or forgotten that I didn’t forget. I’m not sure which. I remember eating yogurt for breakfast and also a Cadbury Creme Egg. By weight, my cat has probably eaten more than I have today. Nobody really knows.

Happy hacking! No, wait, that’s the other blog.

Uh… stay crazy, my friends? But the fun crazy. Stay creatively crazy.

-Rebekah

(I’m not editing this post to make it funnier or more coherent. Too tired. I need a burger.)

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